torta, turistas, y trauma

I´M IN BOLIVIA!! Last Wednesday night, I took an overnight bus to Cusco and caught a morning flight to La Paz. As I walked out through security and caught sight of my precious friend Emily Goldberg, my feet were compelled to SPRINT to her! We hugged for an entire minute, expressing disbelief that we were actually physically together in South America! We had planned our Bolivian vacation since we both got into HNGR sophomore year. The past week with her has been more refreshing than I can express, and I am unbelievably grateful to have this time to spend with her.

Let me tell you one thing Emily and I have in common: WE LOVE CHOCOLATE. And maybe because we´re both psychology majors, we don´t have any problem calling it therapy. The first thing we did together in Bolivia (besides hug) was eat enormous slices of chocolate TORTA (cake) while verbally processing the last 4 1/2 months of HNGR. Well, come to think of it, eating chocolate cake/icecream/cheesecake while talking has made up probably 60% of our time together. IT HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE.

The other 40% of the time, we have just enjoyed being TURISTAS. This has included speaking English (sweet mental relief), taking pictures of just about everything, ooing and aaing at sights, hiking gorgeous peaks, and taking advantage of the gigantic movie theater (talk about culture shock ... we stayed for 2 movies, but were probably even more excited about the escalators!!). We have had the enormous privilege of staying with the Kittelson family during our time here, which has definitely uniquely colored our time as tourists in La Paz. We had never met the family before coming, but my parents are friends with them, and Emily and I have been sooo blessed and impressed by their hospitality!! We´ve really enjoyed conversations about short term missions, coca, Bolivian politics, and gender (feel like I´m always talking about that), as well. What a great family!!

Unfortunately, our time in La Paz has also included a little bit of TRAUMA as well. Yesterday when Emily and I were at an internet cafe close to the Kittelsons' house, my purse was stolen off the back of my chair. As soon as I realized it was gone, I started sobbing ... and cried harder when I realized that my journal of my whole time in Peru had been in the purse. Thankfully, my passport was at the house, and I had not had much money with me ... but the experience definitely shook me up. I thankfully got ahold of my parents in Nigeria right away and we cancelled my credit card. We've realized that I might have to perform some gymnastics to navigate life without access to an ATM, the loss of my driver's license, etc ... but I am so thankful that Emily and I are safe, above all!

Yesterday was a tough day. I was so upset about losing my journal. I was so angry that someone would take things that belong to someone else. I was so scared for my own safety. And as I reflected on the whole situation, I got really sad about poverty. Why did someone steal MY purse? Well, I was in a nice internet cafe. I am white. I had a nice purse just hanging off the back of my chair. They obviously thought I had a lot of money. Because I'm white. Why do I have enough money to go on a vacation to La Paz and engorge myself with chocolate cake when some people have to steal to survive? It was a strange feeling to walk around the city yesterday carrying literally nothing. I chuckled at the irony of finding 50 cents on the sidewalk, putting it in my pocket, and realizing that that was all I had at the moment. I don't understand the world's systems. But maybe that's because I have the privilege of ignorance as I enjoy living at the top.

My first instinct after being robbed is extreme paranoia. I feel suspicious of everyone. I told Emily yesterday that I was struggling not to lose my faith in humanity just because one person disappointed me. But the longer I think about it, the more I wonder if God wants to teach me something about myself through this. Something about my place in this world.

Emily and I are leaving La Paz this afternoon and will spend the rest of the week together at the beautiful Lake Titicaca. I would appreciate your prayers for our safety, and for God's continued blessings on our conversations. This has been such an important time for me!

solteras!!

One of the best surprises of working at Paz y Esperanza is the number of SOLTERAS that work there! It is literally a bunch of married men and single women. What a fun environment for me! It was quite an adjustment at first, coming from Wheaton where I was constantly around guys and gals within 3 years of my age ... and now everyone I work with is at least late 20's!

I have been super thankful that these solteras have really accepted me with open arms. Actually, sometimes it's a problem because they are constantly inviting me to do things with them and I feel bad leaving my host family so often! But more than anything, I am so glad to finally be able to say that these women are my friends. I truly enjoy spending time with them, and I am also learning a lot from them. I would like to introduce you to these precious friends!:

Sooo ... my best Peruvian friend just turned 39 on Friday! (totally doesn't look it, right?!) Her name is Milagros, and she has really been a "milagro" (miracle) for me! I met her through my friend Ana, and we have really hit it off since. She and I share a love of a cute little café called Capucchino run by an adorable couple (husband French and wife Peruvian), and we are no doubt their most faithful customers :) Mili and I are also loving going to a saya class - a really neat type of Peruvian music/dance that you should look up on Youtube. She is also teaching me to crochet! In summary ... she has been a really fun friend and has also rescued me from the office for a coffee date numerous times. I love her!! This picture is from her birthday celebration - dinner at Capucchino, karaoke, and discoteca!

Here's another picture from Mili's birthday celebration of Mili, me, and my friend Ana. She is one of the only other Christians in the Paz office, and she has been a really wonderful support to me since I arrived in Andahuaylas. She is always telling me that her apartment is my second home and often invites me to sleep over when we have late nights out and I don't want to take the taxi to Talavera by myself. She has a really energetic personality and is always up for fun! I have met a lot of people through her and am so grateful for the way she continues to include me when she hangs out with her friends.

2 other lovely women who I have had the privilege of knowing ... Nimia and Angela. Nimia is a graceful and beautiful person who is very close to her family and very serious about doing her work well. She and I have enjoyed going to the gym together, and I have accompanied her on several trips out to rural communities where she works with children. We're planning a beach vacation next month if we can pull it off! Angela is a fun-loving Cuzqueña who unfortunately quit work about 2 weeks ago. While she was working with us, I often escaped to her office to chat with her and help her practice her English. I miss her already. My special prayers are with her as last week we received the awful news that she lost 2 of her younger siblings in a terrible accident. Please join me in praying for comfort for her soul, and that the Lord would draw her to Himself during this painful time.



This is Jessica, the only female lawyer who works at Paz. She has an office in the front where she sees client after client with depressing story after depressing story, day after day ... and yet at our recent retreat, she was voted "Más Alegre" (happiest)!! Her laughter and joy are contagious. She is always joking around and teasing everyone in the office ... although she is very good at what she does as a lawyer, as well. We have had a lot of talks about how she is so strong with her clients and yet remains sensitive and feels their hurts (this has been on my mind a lot as I wonder about whether or not I have a future as a counselor). I have learned a lot from her, and also always have fun going out to lunch with her or just chatting when we're both bored at the office.

Rudy is another Christian in the office, and I am just recently getting to know her. She was super intimidating to me at first because she is completely gorgeous and very secure in what she does! But we had a really great talk laying on our backs looking at the stars next to the river last weekend on the staff retreat, and I am excited to keep getting to know her for the rest of my time here. She is very courageous about her faith, and I know I have a lot to learn from her.

Sharing life with these women has been a big blessing. I'm so thankful to have friends!! Unfortunately ... their lives as solteras are also difficult. One has a 9 year old daughter and her boyfriend is nowhere to be found. One suffered an ugly divorce after her husband outright told her he was cheating on her. One is struggling to navigate a relationship with a man whose beliefs are vastly different from hers. One has had ongoing physical health problems as a direct result of her work. Two live far from their families and fight loneliness. As I look at these beautiful smiling faces and think about the fun times I have shared with these women, I am inspired by their strength. They never stop surprising me with their generosity, joy, and love. I am learning so much, and I am just so thankful and excited to keep hearing their stories and opening my heart to them.

regalo

I love surprises. Some of my favorite memories from high school are the “surprise” parties that my friends and I would throw for one another’s birthdays (shout out, precious Hillcrest friends! Oh how I miss those days…). The funny thing was that the surprises became a tradition – hence the quotes around “surprise.” We always knew they were coming. We just did our best to pretend that we didn’t. The special part was that our friends cared enough to surprise us. Even if we weren’t really surprised.

I wouldn’t necessarily call myself optimistic, but I definitely live life with great expectation. I get so excited about things to come that sometimes I can hardly wait … often making it hard to live in the moment. I also am a great ruiner of surprises (poor Luke!) because I am so looking forward to what is to come that I can’t possibly not try to figure it out!

And living life with great expectation – this wild and crazy and imperfect life – means that I am often disappointed. My amazing dreams of what the future holds seldom come true.

Life is a REGALO (gift). It’s in a huge box, wrapped in bright pink paper, tied with large shiny bows, and it has my name on it. What could possibly be inside?!! I work myself into a frenzy sizing it up, holding it in my hands, smelling it, shaking it, trying to figure out its contents. But when the day finally comes to open it … it’s never what I expect.

I’m working on understanding that that’s not always bad. Sometimes it’s BETTER than I expect! I am swept off my feet by the fact that the giver of this gift knew what I wanted and needed even better than I did! Other times … I hide my disappointment with a smile, not understanding the intentions behind such a gift.

But if I truly believe that God is good, would He really give me a bad gift? And if He knows me better than anyone ever, including myself, can’t I expect from Him only the best? … But what about those days of disillusionment, disappointment, when I thought I knew what was coming and it made me excited, only to arrive and find out I was wrong?

Each day of these 6 months in Peru is a REGALO. Each day of your life, wherever you are, whatever you do, is a gift.

Every day I miss my family and friends so deeply I’m not sure I can do this … but I rejoice in the miracle that my Peruvian grandmother told me last week “Te queremos” – We love you.

I had an argument with my supervisor this weekend … but the reconciliation that came afterwards has brought us closer together than we ever have been.

I cried with my host mom as she told me the story of her difficult life … but since then there is a connection between us that wasn’t there before.

I really didn’t want to go on a retreat with my coworkers this weekend because it coincided with another trip I had hoped to take … but the experiences I had in nature over those 3 days are unmatched by anything in my life before.

I swam in several rivers and LOVED it!!!









This is the "Bosque de Piedras" (forest of rocks) that we visited. Not sure how these boulders got to be this way, but we had an amazing time hiking around for hours. These sights are marvelous!!







I have yet to experience a perfect day in Peru … or anywhere else in this world, for that matter. As we experience the joy and the pain of this life, may we never forget that each day is a gift, and that “all is grace and that our only response is gratitude” (Nouwen’s Compassion). May we continue to live life with great expectation – the expectation that God is good and that He will make all things new like He promised. Who better to sweep us off our feet and surprise us with the daily gift of life?

Quinua y Quechua

This week, I spent 5 days in the neighboring district of Chincheros. It was the first time that I got a really good dose of Andina culture, which includes both quinua and Quechua (great Q words!). QUINUA is a delicious grain used to cook many tasty and nutritious dishes. I had never tried it before coming to Peru, but it is quickly becoming one of my favorite foods here. QUECHUA is the tricky native language of the people of the Andes. It sounds very beautiful, and I have been told over and over again that the meanings of words just can’t be explained in any other language because it is so emotional and deep. I am enchanted, and it is near the top of my list of languages I would like to learn. For right now, everyone gets a big kick out of hearing me use my limited phrases, especially “Leave me alone!” when guys get annoying ☺

Unfortunately, another common aspect of Andina culture is domestic violence. For 4 of my days in Chincheros, I was visiting the local women’s crisis center. I heard many tragic stories during this time as women came to the center to report various kinds of physical, psychological, and sexual violence. I saw many tears. I also started to understand the complexity of the problem of violence in this rural area of Peru. Women who had come in just a week prior were now saying that they wanted to forget the whole thing and just go back to normal life with their husband or the man they live with. At first this made me mad, thinking about the cycle of violence and the ways women are sucked back into unhealthy relationships. But as I started to listen a little more closely, I heard more than just deception. I heard real desire for reconciliation. I heard the desperation of economic dependence. And most of all, I heard the expression of deep love for sons and daughters who had already suffered enough.

Many of the women I met and the stories I heard made me feel depressed. I sat in on one home visit looking around at the messy house, watching an unkempt 3 year old run around throwing fruit on the floor while the social worker tried to tell her pregnant mother that it would be ok even though her boyfriend who used to beat her had just left and she didn’t know if he was coming back, and I just wanted to cry. I complimented a young woman on the bracelet she was wearing and noticed her bright, beautiful smile, and then listened to her talk about how her boyfriend and his brother beat her in front of her 2 children, ages 3 and 4. She’s 21, just like me. How could anyone beat a pregnant woman? How dare human beings treat each other violently in front of children?

However, I also found a lot of hope in Chincheros. I was amazed to find that when I asked the various CEM (Centro Emergencia Mujer – Women’s Emergency Center) employees how they felt about their jobs, every single person told me they love what they do. Each one shared that it is hard to hear stories of women suffering, but that it is just so fulfilling to be able to help them. I was very inspired by their passion and the satisfaction they find in this work.

I also had the joyful privilege of getting to know my Peruvian grandmother “Mamacha,” who lives in Chincheros. She is my Mamá’s Mamá ☺. I loved spending time with her, although it made me miss my real grandmothers a lot! Mamacha generously welcomed me into her home and freely shared about her vibrant relationship with Christ. It was such a blessing to be cared for, and to listen to her stories. It was also particularly relevant for me to learn about her pain as a formerly-battered woman. She lived several years in fear, and not only suffered from physical beatings herself, but also bore the burdens of watching her 8 children being beaten as well. What amazed me was that one of the very first things she told me was that she met Jesus through the violence of her husband. “We cry now, but He says that one day He will wipe the tears from our eyes!” she told me. How can I despair when this woman, who understands the pain of battered women far more intimately than I do, finds such joy and hope in our Savior?

I am so thankful that I got to know Mamacha during this time, and that I have been given new hope in the face of extreme pain. I am also thankful to have had the opportunity to get to know the Andina culture a little better. Observing it more closely was both heartbreaking and lifegiving. I am excited to learn more, and to keep enjoying the quinua and Quechua!

Paciencia

“What are you writing?” my coworker Rudy asked me as we sat on the grass waiting for the Festieduca celebration to begin, high school kids running and jumping all around us. “What does it say?” People are always asking me what I'm writing in my little notebooks that I carry around everywhere. Sometimes I write in Spanish, sometimes in English. I write about a little bit of everything - what I ate for lunch, new Spanish words I learn, prayers that God will get me through tough moments, cultural discoveries … lists of restaurants I miss : … I hesitated as I looked over what I'd just written in English. Everything is 2 hours late! 10:00 = 12:00. Rudy kept pressing me, and finally I read it out to her in Spanish. She laughed as she looked at her watch. We'd been setting up since 8am for the event that was supposed to start at 10. It was 12, and we were still waiting for the electrical company to give us power!

I've stopped wearing my watch. Granted, I still carry around my cell phone so I can always look to see what time it is, but it was still a big step to replace my watch with a lovely bracelet that my host mom gave me. I call it my “Peruvian watch,” because it bears no sign of the time.

I've been thinking a lot about PACIENCIA here.

Growing up in Nigeria taught me a lot about patience. I love telling the story of the time we went to a 10am wedding on time and ended up waiting for 2 hours for the ceremony to start. Turns out the groom was buying his shoes. I laugh about this difference in cultural values … but it makes me ashamed to really think about how much of a slave I am to time.

A lot of my life here is waiting around. I rush to get ready in the morning but then end up waiting for Yordani to get his books together so I can walk him to school. A trip out to a community involves long car rides, 2, 3, 4 hours of staring out the window, waiting to get there. And once we get there I end up sitting in meetings I don't understand, waiting to get back in the car, where I will wait hours again until I get home! People expect events to start late, so when I show up on time I end up waiting for everyone else to come. It is often difficult to find value in these circumstances, and I find myself impatient for something to happen!

I started learning to crochet and knit this week. Talk about needing patience! I make so many mistakes and have to go back and do everything all over again. I watch Mamá and my friend Milagros do it, and they just fly, each move fluid and perfect. I feel so clumsy. I can only do a little bit at a time because I just get too impatient and frustrated. I wish I could go faster, I wish I could just know how to do it, I wish I didn't have to go through this time of learning, making mistakes, correcting, over and over.

I wish I could rush through a lot of things. Every day in the office feels like a drag, and I just wish I could be done with the work I'm doing for Paz and move onto something else. Relationships feel like they are taking 10 times longer than usual to develop because of the language barrier, and I wish I could just arrive at the time where I understand everything perfectly. I miss my family in Nigeria, my friends at Wheaton and around the world, Luke, and so many others, and I often just wish it would be Christmas already so that I could be with everyone again.

I'm realizing that I've lived a lot of my life this way. Last year, all I could think about was going to Peru … Now that I'm here, all I can think about is going back! I often live for “looking forward to” things to come. I find it very hard to be present in the moment.

Henri Nouwen writes about the value of “patient moments” in his excellent book Compassion. He writes, “when patience prevents us from running from the painful moment in the false hope of finding our treasure elsewhere, we can slowly begin to see that the fullness of time is already here and that salvation is already taking place.” What a beautiful realization! I don't want to miss all of life because I'm always waiting for the future to arrive. In another excellent Nouwen work, Gracias!, he writes, “I do not know if I will be alive tomorrow, next week, or next year. Therefore today is always more important than tomorrow. We have to be able to say each day, 'This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad.'”

Please help me pray for eyes that are open to all that is around me each moment, for the wisdom to realize that I have much to be thankful for, and for the PACIENCIA to fully experience each day as a gift from God.

oficina

(Ok this picture is of me and my friend Nimia coming back from a trip in the campo ... and YES that is snow on the ground! AHHHHH!!!)

So … what am I actually DOING in Peru? Not every day is a dance festival, campaign launching march, or trip out to a community. In fact, most days I spend sitting in front of my computer in the OFICINA of Paz y Esperanza.

To be quite honest … I don’t really like it. I guess you could say it’s helping me realize that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing work like this. There are 0 (that’s literally ZERO) windows in the entire office, making it really cold all the time. Everyone is very busy doing their own thing, and I often find it difficult to connect with people during the day because they’re always rushing around. We start at 8 am and end at 6 pm (including a 2 hour lunch break), but most people still look at me funny when I leave at 6 because everyone stays until at least 7:30. And what makes it even harder is that the actual work I’m doing right now is writing in Spanish, which, although my speaking has definitely improved over the last 3 months, is still a huge challenge. I get bored. And antsy. A lot.

The good news is that I really believe in the work that I’m doing. I am helping to develop curriculum to train women and men of rural communities in social skills. This is a 3-part project: self-esteem, interpersonal communication, and problem solving. Each part includes a theoretical/conceptual explanation and an activity book of practical ways to develop these skills. My work also includes trips out to communities to try out the activities that I brainstorm, as well as to interview women about how they approach problems in order to inform my work. I definitely enjoy these trips more than my time in the office!

I’ve spent the last 3 weeks working on the self-esteem “module.” It has actually been really interesting to research and write on this topic, and I am finding that it really speaks to me in my place right now. Being in a setting where everything is new and challenging is making me realize how much of my self worth I find in my achievements and in what others think of me. When I am critiqued or criticized, I often take it very personally and feel bad about myself as a person, rather than viewing it as an opportunity to improve what I have done. I am struggling to remember that I am a beloved daughter of God no matter WHAT I do or don’t do … and that is fundamental to the good self-esteem we are trying to develop in the campesinos!

While I don’t really like being in the office, I do really like a lot of the people that I work with. I am in a room with 2 other Paz employees, and I am really enjoying getting to know Mery, who sits at the desk next to me. We have started praying together every morning, and she is also always in favor of escaping from the office for a morning snack. She makes me laugh a lot because she talks to herself, too!

(Pictures of eating lunch with Anita, Milagros, Elizabeth, and Elizabeth's husband; and me and Jessica in the office). I am also enjoying spending time with coworkers Anita, Angela, Nimia, and Jessica
outside the office. I am so encouraged that they are inviting me to do more things with them, like watch a movie, go out to dinner, or hit the disco for some crazy cumbya dancing! Anita has also invited me to hang out with some of her non-work friends, and I am really loving spending time with a new friend named Milagros especially. This past week I was so excited when she took me to a coffee shop where they have Internet! The only one like that around here, I think … Yay for friends!

Please pray for me during the hours of 8am and 6pm on weekdays, as they are often very difficult ones. I am glad to have more concrete work to do, but it has still not been easy to get this work done. I am also frustrated that my supervisor is often too busy to meet with me, and when we do meet I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. Pray with me that I will take to heart the things that I’m discovering about self-esteem, and the importance of realizing that God loves me no matter what I do or don’t do. What a key life lesson that I am privileged to be learning in Andahuaylas, Peru!

naturaleza

I have never lived near mountains before. I remember being dazzled by the Rockies while on a family vacation in Colorado years ago. My dad jokingly told me he wouldn’t let me visit Colorado University as a prospective college because he knew I would choose it based on the sheer majesty of the view alone. There is something about nature that feeds my soul in a way nothing else does. Richard Rohr writes, “Somewhere each day we have to fall in love, with someone, something, some moment, event, phrase, animal, or person.” The Andes have captured my heart. I have fallen in love.

Snapshots of NATURALEZA


Peering out the window of my bus after a long night of bumping around on narrow winding roads to be confronted for the first time with the Andes. It took my breath away and my jaw fell open.

Walking to work every day … I am often thinking about family, praying for Luke, coming up with ideas for work … and if I happen to glance up, I stop short. How can the mountains look different each day? I could never memorize the patchwork greenery of chakras (farms) dotting the steep peaks. Light falls differently moment to moment, it seems. As tiny figures work endless hours, coaxing the earth at different times of harvest and planting, its appearance changes. Clouds move, the sky darkens and lightens, shadows fall on some chakras and not on others. Rain pitter-patters or sometimes assails. Every day a new postcard-perfect picture.

Impossible colors of the sky. Every hue of the rainbow. Every one. And sometimes multiple colors. One moment I will never forget is stepping out of a nursery school in Chaccrampa to find that it was raining ... in my particular square meter of the earth. The mountains on the other side of the valley were living their own lives. As lightning streaked across my sky, snow was blanketing others in white. And in other patches, sun was blazing. All at the same moment. And I could see it all.


Later that night ... I thought I would be swallowed up by the stars. Not only were there more than I've ever seen before ... The sky was alive! It was moving. Twinkling. Blazing. Shifting. I felt it. I could only stand in the field with my head wrenched back as far as it goes. I was swallowed by the stars, and it was breathtaking.


Laguna Pacucha on a sunny day. The whole staff ate lunch there yesterday. As we rounded a curve and it came into sight, my throat emitted involuntary sounds in response to the beauty I was seeing. My heart was bursting. The waves made tiny bumps on the surface of the bluer than blue water. The wind was blowing. Just the sound calms my whole body.


Animals in everyday life. Walking to work last week I did a double take and realized I had just passed an ENORMOUS hog that would LITERALLY be my height if it could stand. It was too fat to ever think about dreaming about imagining about knowing what standing would be like. On the side of a city street. Right in front of the courthouse. And how many times have we had to stop the car to wait for horses, sheep, pigs, goats, chickens ...


And the natural beauty of humans ... Watching Julio hold his 1 month old infant daughter. He can't hear anyone else talking. He can only stare at her face in wonder and amazement, speaking a language only she can understand. He is in awe of this miracle ... Watching 7 month old Rodrigo laugh. He is most often serious-faced. But sometimes something tickles him deep in his chubby belly and his lips start to turn up. Suddenly he just can't stop giggling. He wants so badly to tell you what he's thinking, and is overtaken with "DADADADADADA!!!!" ...


i want to put pictures to show you ... but it would not even begin to do this subject justice. suffice to say, i have been appreciating God's creation in a new way here. life is beautiful.