lágrimas

I was immediately drawn to the joyful baby in the room. He was the only person younger than me, and he drew attention in his own right with his energetic and bubbly personality. He started giggling at me as I poked his chubby cheeks and told his mother how adorable he was. I gestured to her that I wanted to hold him, and as she handed him over she joked that she wanted me to take my new “novio” (boyfriend) to the US with me when I leave. Everyone started laughing and got a big kick out of how much I enjoyed holding my “novio” and making him laugh with silly faces.

One would never have guessed that this group of 15 individuals were arranging flowers for the burial of their relatives, murdered by the government 25 years ago. 92 brilliant bouquets.

Three days later, in Putis, I watched in despair as she stood over the casket of her relative, still carrying her precious baby boy. Her eyes filled with tears, and they spilled over onto her face. I felt mine fill as well, but I tried desperately to hold them back. I didn’t feel worthy enough to cry, to join in this pain. I knew that I could feel only the tip of the iceberg of what this woman and so many Peruvians feel.

I carried a casket for the first time in my life. 92 white caskets, some marked with names, but most bearing codes. C90. C91. C92. They didn’t weigh much. Many were children. All are now bones, fragments of a person.

As the ceremony drew to a close, an older woman took the microphone and began speaking forcefully in Quechua. She grew more and more agitated, her voice growing huskier, her words dissolving into tears, and then into deep sobs. Someone near me translated, “We are innocent! The government did this to us!” The woman started yelling, sobbing, screaming, “JUSTICIA! JUSTICIA! JUSTICIA!”

I stood at the bottom of the hill watching the caskets being carried to their final resting place. Everyone was crying, many near hysteria. “What can I do to help?” I kept asking. “Acompáñales” was the reply – accompany them, be with them.

I felt completely helpless. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I stood there and cried. I cried for the baby boy and his mother, I cried for the woman begging for justice, I cried for the young woman who was sexually abused by soldiers for three days in prison, I cried for the children in the 92 caskets in front of me, I cried for the relatives who are still searching for C79, C26, C43 … The LAGRIMAS (tears) wouldn’t stop.

A woman came up and embraced me as I cried, saying, “Gracias por amarnos” … “Thank you for loving us.”

I have done a lot of crying in the last 3 months. But this weekend, my tears were converted from self-centered longing for home, to tears of empathy for the suffering people around me. Thank God. Don’t get me wrong, I still called Luke sobbing when I got back to my hotel that night, exhausted and frustrated and emotionally fried after 3 long days of ceremonies for the victims of Putis. But I can feel God working in my heart the longer I stay here. He is opening my eyes to see those around me, and He is giving me more and more love for them in their suffering. May He continue that process in all of our lives. Even when it causes us many lágrimas.

Kepner and Kirschner: las Christines!

Hello everyone! Saludos from Ayacucho, Peru, which is a long 9 hour bus ride full of steep winding curves from Andahuaylas. Seriously, we had to do a three point turn to get around a few of them, and the really depressing thing is when you look down and realize youve climbed a total of about a foot. But Im here!! I came for the weekend to visit with Solomon Martinez (he is doing his internship with Paz here in Ayacucho), Holly Braun (Ayacucho HNGR alum 07), and Claire Jackson (Quito HNGR alum 08)! It was a wonderful weekend of speaking English, cuddling, eating pizza, laughing, hanging out with Hollys amazing host family, and lots of chapla (flat bread, sooo good). I was planning on going back to Andahuaylas last night but decided to stay the whole week because of a big event going on here this coming weekend.

Peru went through a terrible “conflicto armado“ during the 80s and 90s, and it has really affected the people and culture here today. You may have heard of the Communist group the Shining Path (Sendero Luminoso). The campesinos often got right in the middle conflicts between this group and the government, and thousands of innocents were murdered. I am slowly realizing that every person I meet and talk to here has their own tragic story from that time, whether they lost brothers, fathers, mothers, or friends, or whether they witnessed terrible acts of violence, or whether they have been financially impacted by the events that occurred. Ayacucho is one of the areas that has been most affected by this violence. This weekend, there is a special event going on in Putis, a region of Ayacucho, where over 90 bodies were found in a mass grave. They were murdered in cold blood by the government. Paz is hosting this event to give the families who are left behind closure, as well as to use this horrific event as an example of what happened all over Peru, to raise awareness and to create more of a passion for justice and reparation. I encourage you to watch the video at this link to learn more about this. Im excited to be here during this time, especially because the Ayacucho office has a Mental Health team that I can shadow and learn from. Also, kind of exciting that I get to be on TV tomorrow morning!! Holly, Claire, Solomon, a Mexican friend, and I were interviewed about why we came to attend these events. Please be praying this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday during these very important events.

http://www.pazyesperanza.org/ayacucho/index.html

Wanted to tell you all about my amazing visit with Dr. Christine Kepner this past week as well!! How fun that we are both Christine Ks ... although it kind of confused everyone here a little bit :) She arrived last Sunday in the morning and spent the whole week with me until Friday morning. Im sorry I dont have pictures quite yet, but I will put some up when I get back to Andahuaylas next week.

Dr. Kepner was a huge encouragement to me. It was super awesome that she speaks Spanish so perfectly (shes a Spanish professor at Wheaton), and she was so wonderful about being an advocate for me both with my host family and especially at the office. We had a really productive meeting with Lupe, my supervisor here, and I feel a lot better about my time in the office, as we were able to figure out more specifically what is expected of me. Dr. Kepner and I also enjoyed time with my host family exploring Andahuaylas a little bit (and even discovered a monument to a Peruvian author she likes, José María Arguedas!), a delicious lunch at the beautiful Laguna Pacucha with some coworkers, a trip out to some communities with some amazing views of the mountains, and more. I especially enjoyed just being able to verbalize and process in English some of the things I have been experiencing and battling in my time here. She was an amazing support. Thank you Dr. Kepner!

Sorry to be short and picture-less, but because this trip was unexpected I didnt bring my own computer, so Im bumming off others.

As always, I appreciate all your love and support and prayers. Thinking a lot about my Wheaton friends (and my baby sister) heading back to school tomorrow!! It makes me miss you all even more. I hope the first few days go smoothly. And for the student teachers, especially Haley, Abby, and Luke! Im so proud of you and I know you can do it!!

Mucho amor, y muuuuchos abrazos, Christine

vivir JUNTOS

While living here I have been doing a lot of thinking about community. I have been thrust into a new and unfamiliar world, and sometimes it is so difficult not to revert into my comfort zone, to hide within myself, to hold back. Other times, though, I have little choice but to just ... live! One of the continuing jokes about me both in the office and at home is that I'm like a "niña" (little girl) in so many ways ... I have to depend on other people for EVERYTHING! I don't really like feeling incompetent ... but I am definitely learning so much, especially about what it means to be part of a unit rather than living my life as an independent individual. I decided to write a poem about the experiences that are teaching me this. The formatting is a little off here, but you get the idea. It's called "Vivir JUNTOS" (To live together)


VIVIR JUNTOS

Vivir juntos …
Means that when we come across a boulder blocking the path of the car,
We all get out and push.








When the gringa takes a bucket shower for the first time,
Mamá gently sponge bathes her, wiping away the dirt.
No shame.

Involves meetings that go for hours … lots of yawning … boredom …
I don’t understand, but I am. I am there.





Means we all eat the same food.
Even if we don’t like it. Even if it’s burned. Even if we aren’t used to it.
We eat together.
And when there is no food,
we don’t. No one does.









Means your friend is mine. Your sister is mine.
Your newborn daughter is my niece. I rejoice in her life with you … as much as you do.
I hold her to my heart.
Is laughter and tickles. When I make a mistake, you laugh … and so do I.
Your joy is mine. My joy is yours.
Is cuddling in bed. Is sharing body heat in the cold of the night.
Is placing your cold feet under my warm ones.
Is crying with you. Is hearing your story as if it were mine.
As if I had been beaten by my own brother.
As if I had been threatened by my own husband.
As if I had been neglected by my own mother.
Is entering your hurts without trying to escape, explain, fix.
Means washing clothes and cooking and cleaning on Saturdays. No one leaves until we’re done.
We.
Means watching TV. Lots of it. Disney movies I have seen a thousand times.
Only now in Spanish.
Means learning more than teaching.
Validating what you know.
Accepting.
Quietly. Patiently.
Means being late. Waiting for you to
brush your hair, finish your knitting, drink your tea, change your clothes again …
Involves being without doing.
Involves taking interest in what interests you.
Involves disagreeing but respecting. Being offended but not lashing out.
Offending but accepting forgiveness. Listening and not just hearing.
Means crowded buses, forced to all but embrace you, a stranger sitting on my lap.
This is how we go to work together.
Means that when I’m angry at you, you can tell. And I tell you.
And we still do life together.
When I look sad you ask why. And I tell you.
Or if you don’t ask why, I don’t hold it against you.
Sharing. When you are hungry, you buy 2 oranges.
One for you and one for me.
When there is only one mattress,
We sleep on it together.
Sacrificing. When it’s your turn to pay, but you don’t have anything,
I pay. Without worrying that you’ll pay me back.
When I want to sleep, but you want to talk,
I listen.
Accompanying. When I have things to do, but you have an errand to run,
I go. Without rushing you.
When you want me to be more than I think that I am,
I am.
Waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting. Why am I here? To be with you.
Your reality is my reality is our reality.
Vivimos JUNTOS.


May God continue to teach us to rely on one another and to rely on Him. What a blessing to live in community! Thank you for being in community with me by sharing my experiences through reading this blog and through praying for me. I am so blessed!!

Love, Christinita

inocentes

As unbelievable as it sounds, I have already been to TWO baby showers in Andahuaylas since I got here about a month ago! I don’t think I’ve ever been to one before coming here. It has been so much fun to take part in the festivities, which in some ways are just the same as I imagine they would be in the States … and in other ways are very different. For one thing, I was surprised to find out that Peruvians, too, call it a baby shower … and had to laugh when people asked me what it means in English, because I realized that I have no idea why we call it a baby “shower”! Also really funny that the sign on the wall at one of them read “Babi Shawer.”

One of the baby showers I went to was about 2 weeks ago, and the baby was born on Monday! My coworker Carolina had a c-section and here is a picture of her beautiful baby girl, Andrea Mercedes. I got to go to the hospital yesterday to visit her. It was precious to watch her big sister and her daddy interact with baby Andrea as well. I was just amazed at the miracle of life.






































What a tragedy to get news of the death of Wheaton College student Alex Heidengren the same day that precious Andrea was born. I feel so far from the situation, but I am praying for the Wheaton community and especially for his family and Jon, his older brother, my “brother” from Fischer days. As joyful as it is that I have gotten to go to 2 baby showers, I have also been given the opportunity to go to 2 wakes already in my time here, as well. As life begins for one, it ends for another, it seems. As some rejoice in the gift of a new child, others grieve at the loss of another. There is so much I don’t understand about life and death.

In Spanish, sometimes the word INOCENTE is used to describe children, babies, and those whose minds are still “clean,” as it was explained to me. I started thinking about this in terms of “children of God,” and it just seems so fitting that when we become His children, we become His INOCENTES! We are “reborn,” as baby Andrea was born … and we are proclaimed INOCENTE once again.

Want to share with you some precious pictures of some INOCENTES that I’ve had the pleasure of interacting with over the last few weeks. There is something about children that just puts a smile on my face. I’ve been so glad to be around so many pregnant ladies, babies, and children here! I think I really missed that dynamic of real life while I was constantly in the company of peers at Wheaton.










(the one below is of a new father with his 1-day-old baby! He was so excited, it was the cutest thing ever)

















































As always, thank you for your support and encouragement and prayers while I am here. After my last blog post I have heard from several people that they are worried about me … but I want to reassure you that, as I struggle here, I am becoming more and more certain that I am supposed to be here. I am learning so much … and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be here, as difficult as it is sometimes (no joke, someone JUST came up to me and told me they are worried about my pimples! Again!). God has a plan for my time in Peru … and for my life.

Miss and love you all!!
Muchos abrazos electronicos … Christine

humildad

2 Corinthians 12:9&10 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

As I have mentioned in a few previous posts, the 3 big things that God is teaching me here so far are dependence on Him, patience in uncertainty, and HUMILDAD (humility). I am big time realizing that I don’t have it all together. It is happening in both big and small ways, both serious and somewhat humorous ways …

#1: As many of you probably know, pretty much the only things I can cook are breakfast foods, and I’ve been missing the yummy breakfasts I like to whip up with the Breakfast Club (shout out Jess, Deb, and Daniel!) and Luke (I love you), so I decided to make an “all-American” breakfast of pancakes, eggs, sausage, and fruit salad for my host family. I was so excited! I got the recipe for pancakes from my mom (this wasn’t your fault, mommy) last week and eagerly checked with my host mom to make sure we had everything. She assured me we only needed a few things, which we went out and bought together. Sunday morning I woke up excited to cook and headed down to the kitchen and started gathering my materials … only to discover that we had neither flour nor eggs. So I waited about a half hour for my host mom to go buy some. When she got back, my host sister Talita and I got to work on everything … which took longer than usual because we had to make the pancake batter from scratch. We tried to cook the pancakes on the open fire because it would be quicker … and every single pancake got burned, so we headed back into the regular kitchen to use the stove … which took forever. FINALLY, everything was ready, and we sat down to eat. I nervously introduced the family to the food, and served everyone. Yordani was super enthusiastic, saying how much he LOVED everything, and Talita acted like she like the pancakes too. My host parents, however, were not quite as excited. “They’re too thick. Are they supposed to be this way? They’re really doughy in the middle. You should have cooked them longer. Why did this take so long? Now we’re going to be late!” And they promptly brought out the regular pan and desayuno and ate that instead.

Ouch. I was crushed. And kind of angry. What made me mad was that they were right!

#2: I had a meeting with my supervisor Lupe a few weeks ago to try to arrange everything for the next few months. I mentioned to her that I have been feeling really overwhelmed by some of the expectations people have of me, thinking that I can give counseling advice to traumatized people and such. Her response to me was, “This is just a question, but why did your university send you here if you’re not equipped to help?”

I bristled, feeling like I had totally just been dissed. I started blubbering about how I think I DO have something to offer here … but gave up and admitted that, in the end, I think I’m really here to learn, and I really am NOT that equipped … and that anything I’m able to do here is by God’s grace.

#3: My skin has been really acting up here. And EVERYONE likes to talk about it. “What are you doing about your pimples? Why does that happen to you? Have you tried this? Have you tried that?” (Gram, I know you always apologize about genetically giving me these problems, but I think it's the circumstances, not you!)

I get really defensive about it, wishing people could just politely ignore the fact that my body was created this way, and it is actually reacting normally to the stress of being thousands of miles away from my comfort zone and the people I love! Although in the end, I realize they really want to help …

#4: I have come face to face with my own limitations every single day with the language barrier that I encounter with every single person. Sometimes it’s “just” the stress of trying to speak Spanish … and then other times Quechua is added onto that! I make so many mistakes, and I am so limited in my conversation possibilities …

I feel so frustrated all the time, and I hate that I have this inadequacy.

None of these humbling experiences feel good (and these are just 4 brief examples!). In fact, they feel terrible!! I often am driven to tears, embarrassed, annoyed, and angry … and confused by all the references in the Psalms to the fact that those whose hope is in the Lord “will never be put to shame” – because I often feel REALLY ashamed!

One super encouraging verse I came across this last month comes right after the time when Peter heals the crippled beggar by simply saying “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” Peter then preaches the Name of Jesus, convicting the people of rejecting Him and calling them to embrace “times of refreshing” that God offers through His Son. The authorities get all upset and seize Peter and John … but Peter just keeps preaching to them! Then Acts 4:13 says,

“When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.”

WOW! I have been so challenged by the fact that so many of Jesus’ most faithful and most famous followers have been “unschooled, ordinary,” and weak! They didn’t have it all together either!! But … they “had been with Jesus.” That makes me so excited about what God might do through me. I am weak … but HE is strong! And I have been with Him, and He is still with me, and will never leave me.

May we all learn, as Paul did, to BOAST in our weaknesses, because “when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Here are some pictures from a trip I took earlier this week to some communities in the district of Chaccrampa. I went to help interview some parents of kindergarten-age children to find out what families are doing to develop personal and cultural identity in their young children. It was really interesting, and also fun to spend time with 2 coworkers, Nimia and Angela!