Estar, Escuchar, y Esperar

I am learning so much here. Every day I have moments where I ask myself, "Why the heck am I here??" ... but as I reflect on all the things God is teaching me, I realize that being in Peru is so much bigger than learning Spanish, doing a great independent study, or really connecting with my host family (although I still hope to do all those things!!). With so many of my supports and comforts stripped away, I feel really raw. But it is forcing me to my knees at the feet of the Savior, and for that I can say THANK YOU LORD. I am called to be obedient day by day, step by step, moment by moment ... This is a little terrifying for a control freak like me. I would love to have my 5-month plan all set to go at this moment. However, I think God has something else in mind. He is teaching me so much DEPENDENCE! He is also teaching me to ESTAR, ESCUCHAR, y ESPERAR.

ESTAR:
The "Access to Justice" branch of Paz y Esperanza is developing a training program for community leaders throughout the districts of Andahuaylas and Chincheros. 40 selected leaders will be trained to be "Defensoras Comunitarias" (effectively, Community Defenders) through capacitation in domestic violence, human rights, etc. They will have small offices in their communities where they will help community members with legal processes. This past week, I took 2 trips to a community 2 and a half hours away from Andahuaylas called Uripa, where Paz hosted 3 election meetings to choose these
Defensoras Comunitarias. In theory, I was there to help ... but in reality, what I mostly did was ESTAR (be). These meetings lasted between 2 and 4 hours each, and every time, I was the awkward gringa standing in front of everyone, unable to understand what was going on (it was mostly in Quechua). I would have loved to be the one talking, explaining how important it is to defend community rights, showing how much I know about it ... But I COULDN'T. I felt so helpless. I felt like it was a waste. And then I was further humbled when presented with a gift by some of the leaders! But what I'm realizing is the fact that sometimes we can't always DO something ... but we do have to BE. I realized this again last night when I went to the wake of a relative of my host mom's. I didn't even know the woman. I didn't have any encouraging words to say about her life or where she is now. But I could BE there. And sometimes that is the most important thing.

ESCUCHAR: "This 9 year old girl was molested by her father. Can you talk to her?"
"My daughter witnessed her father being unfaithful to me with my sister. Doctor Psychologist, what should I say to her?"
"My brother beat me on Friday, but I can't tell the police because he has a pregnant wife and 3 children, and what will they do without him?"
"My husband abandoned me and my children, 5 and 2 years old, and now we have nothing to eat."
Each of these situations were explained to me in the last week. Each time, I was introduced as a "psychologist." Each time, I felt my stomach drop and I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream out, "I've only had 3 years of college, and I'm FAR from being a psychologist! I don't even know if that's what I want to be!" But each time, the most important thing to do was ESCUCHAR. I am finding out that there is a desperate need for psychologists in this area (in a state of 700,000 people, there are only 8 psychologists, and not many of them speak Quechua). I am no psychologist. But I do have 5 months of my time to LISTEN. This is a lesson that I hope to take with me the rest of my life, whether or not I continue in psychology. There are so many people out there that just need someone to listen to them.

ESPERAR: I recently realized that the word esperar in Spanish means both "to wait" and "to hope." I mean, I've used the word in both contexts plenty of times, but I think there is something special about the fact that waiting and hoping are represented by the same verb. I have had a LOT of time to just think this past week - lots of time in the car, lots of time listening to a language I don't understand, lots of time watching my host parents play volleyball ... A lot of the time, I was daydreaming about Luke (heehee) or thinking about what I wanted to eat :) ... but I hope to transform my waiting into hoping. I don't just want to WAIT around, I want to be HOPEFUL that Jesus is coming again ... that He will transform the darkness into light ... that He will use me in my weakness. Sometimes, too, I think I need to transform my hoping into waiting! Instead of saying, "I HOPE God will use me," I want to say that "I am WAITING for God to use me." I love words :) And praise God I think my Spanish IS improving!!

Just wanted to share a few of the lessons I'm learning here. Each day continues to be a battle, but I'm thankful that I can reflect on what I'm learning and not view EVERYTHING as a waste. Some other happy reports:

1. I LOVE being with my host family! More about them next time, but a definite highlight is finding out that they like to all cuddle in Mamá and Papá's bed every night to watch TV before going to sleep.



2. I successfully gave a 2 hour lecture on domestic violence to forty 13-16 year olds IN SPANISH yesterday! I was so terrified (and would have been even if it had been in English), but it went really well.











(you can spot me pretty much anywhere with this awesome yellow jacket that I'm rocking pretty much every day. It is COLD at night and in the mornings!!)









3. I'm getting more exercise, as the office is a half hour walk from home and I'm able to do it twice or three times a day usually. I feel physically a lot better!!

Please continue praying for comfort for my heart as I still struggle for joy in loneliness ... for all of these people that I encounter who have so much pain in their lives, and that God would give me understanding and wisdom to know when and how to speak and when to listen ... and that God would give me the strength to be obedient in the little things. I had a great talk with my wonderful friend Ashley this week (love you girl!). She is struggling with a lot of the same things that I am, but in Venezuela! We realized that our struggles are a lot like weightlifting: We do it because we want to be strong, but we wish we didn't have to do it. We wish we could just want to be strong, and POOF, we could become strong! And while we are lifting the weights, IT HURTS! And it actually makes us feel weaker for awhile. But over time, we heal. And we become stronger. And as a Christian, I guess I can also be praising God that I feel weak, because in my weakness, His strength is more visible!! But it is not easy.

THANK YOU again for prayers and encouragement. I always love to hear from everyone, so please update me on your life as well!!

Love, Christine